December 30, 2011

staring at the empty USB port on her computer
colette realized how much she missed the convenience of her digital point-and-shoot

December 29, 2011

handknit by an athenian craftsman
on the desolate island crete
this feathered cardigan was fashioned for escape

but - alas - it flew too close to the sun
on winged epaulettes 
and plummeted 



December 28, 2011

gnarled writhing branches cling to this classic dining room chair
like an anguished lover

our latest sit-art represents a bold and highly experimental fusion of timbered forces
natural wood
processed wood


December 27, 2011

December 26, 2011

transport your uncut blood diamonds
stacks of thousand dollar bills
and nuclear missile launch codes
safely and securely around your wrist
with this personal mini-vault 

if they want your valuables
they'll have to pry them from your cold, dead hands


December 24, 2011

dasher could not handle the holiday stress
picked the lock with her antlers with surprising success
and feeling more free than the liberty bell
the reindeer escaped like a bat out of hell

December 23, 2011

heather opened the flue to welcome him in
spritzed eau de milk 'n cookies all over her skin
snowflakes drifted down (not the only thing wettish)
as she prepared to fulfill her santa clause fetish

December 22, 2011

meticulous heather, with such craft and precision
had decorated her house, in the winter tradition
with snow-frosted trees and stark whites all about
somehow it felt colder inside than out

December 21, 2011

twas the night before christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, except for a mouse
who wondered why gloves replaced stockings this year
a joke on dear santa or just whimsied veneer?

December 20, 2011

blurring the line between nature and machine
between covert weapon and transmogrified insect 
anthrolabs   [a subsidiary of anthroparodie]
has developed the latest in steam-powered roboinsect technology

nefarious features included:
doomsday proboscis
electromagnetic pulse antennae
megapoison stinger
precise 17-jewel movement
waterproof to 100 m


next: the world
- anthrolabs -

December 19, 2011

incredibly versatile and perfect for all occasions
from funerals to job interviews
these puffy persian pants will make all your wishes come true

comfortable enough to laze around the lamp for eternity


December 18, 2011

nothing makes a christmas more whimsical
than kissing under an enchanted fungus quartet


December 17, 2011

relive the classic scene from the godfather every day
by waking up with a severed horse head in your bed
strung from a blood red satin strand

leave the gun 
take the misaki


December 16, 2011

look at this stuff
isn't it neat?
wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
wouldn't you think I'm the girl
the girl who has everything?
look at this trove
treasures untold
how many wonders can one cavern hold?
looking around here you think
sure, she's got everything
i've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty
i've got whozits and whatzits galore
you want thingamabobs?
i've got twenty!
but who cares?
no big deal
i want mooooooooore

hootie :: 3

but dammit
a disguise was a disguise

December 15, 2011

was it just izzy, or had somebody turned up the creaminess in this room?

Stump Skirt
dress up your festive holiday stump
in rotund ruby quilting


December 14, 2011

our beyond-vintage, oregon trailesque gown
will take you back to a simpler time
before antibiotics and electricity
a time when bonnets were en vogue
and horses were transportation

jump in your conestoga wagon
and cruise the west in sepia style


December 13, 2011

why fill your studio with a bunch of books you "haven't gotten to yet"
when you can put up wallpaper of the very same unread books?

and with all that extra space
you can tastefully display your vintage typewriter
your retro camera
and your decorative antique birdcage


December 12, 2011

prix fixe :: course 2

nothing says christmas dinner
like a rich, creamy macaroni tree
frosted to delicious perfection 
in a blend of three artisanal cheeses 


actual color may vary

December 11, 2011

this ivory, spirograph-like wrist adornment
emits a glowing, pulsating aura
of pale crystalline pinks and hazy seafoam greens
to make you appear as sparkling and luminous as a nebula


December 9, 2011

influenced by the edo period kabuto of feudal japan
our baby armor will protect your tiny warrior
from vast invading armies 
and nippy weather 



December 8, 2011

the magnificent flowercrown rabbit 
once reigned supreme in the enchanted kingdom of flufftasia

but their whimsied powers of reflective hearing 
and growing prismatic wildflower tiaras atop their furry heads
were no match for our steel traps and quick leaden slugs
and one by one their numbers dwindled

marigold (above) was the last of her kind
a fearsome warrior trained in the ruthless art of combat 
and though she fought the good fight
hopping on as many poachers as she could
and nibbling on their jugulars
in the end, she, too, was reduced to a taxidermied bust on the wall

some creatures are just too precious for this world
which is why we preserve them for you


December 7, 2011

board the nautilus in style
with this fabulous homage to the giant squids of yesteryear

wrapping a loose-weave tentacled monstrosity around your neck
will turn heads as you walk in the park, 
shop at the farmer's market,
or travel 
20,000 leagues under the sea


we have cylindricalized the frisky rainbowed hues of our bathroom rag rug
to encircle you in soft, absorbent warmth


December 6, 2011

hootie :: 2

hootie had led a successful prison break
from that antiquated wire hell they called a bird cage
but big blue got greedy
as he always did
and fell for the ole poisoned sugar-lump routine

a tragic end to a tragic life

December 5, 2011

Fog Machandelier
our new incognito fog machine is disguised
as an antique wrought iron chandelier
but produces over 9 semi-clouds of vintage, noiresque haze per minute
to shroud your favorite room in mystery

your prohibition-themed soirées 
and wine tasting masquerades 
will never be the same


December 2, 2011

prix fixe :: course 1

8 - piece sashimi
so fresh, not even caught yet
ergo fishing pole

unagi, toro
tai, koi, hirami, tako
kujira, fugu


December 1, 2011

unsure of how to use up our surplus of assorted yarns and metal chains 
that we obtained in a serious ordering mishap
we developed a unique, practical, and fashionable . . . 
that i guess you wear around your neck?

we positively adore the play of colors and textures
like chainmail and large intestines dancing together
in the light of a pale blue moon


November 30, 2011


do you often feel fatigued and run-down?

have you lost interest in activities and hobbies that you used to enjoy?

do you feel listless or dissatisfied with your life?

is the persisting emptiness sometimes too much to bear?

if you answered yes to any or all of these questions
you - like over 20 million bohemians - may suffer from depression

but we may be able to help

the anthro-depressant card
works to correct your mood imbalance
with 10% instant savings
and five personal sale days per year

it gives you the benefit of itemized, easy-to-read statements that you can pay online
whilst shopping for an open air kimono cardigan 
haberdasher moleskin trousers
and a snow crystal hullabaloo dolly skirt

the anthro-depressant card may not be for everyone

people taking MAOIs or pimozide should not sign up 
for our low interest card
which was developed by angels in heaven 
to solve all of your problems,
save you thousands of dollars per year,
and make you pretty

side effect may include shopaholism, debt
and hating yourself for spending money you don't have

November 29, 2011

each more deadly than the last
these semi-precious turquoise-handled throwing knives
are made from start to finish by a single, highly skilled craftsman
trained as an knifesmith, jeweler, and assassin

$1200 / set of 6 knives

November 28, 2011

Plum Karategi with Checkered Belt
only a true grand master of martial arts
with the purest of heart and the freest of spirit
can achieve the coveted checkered belt

you, too, will be overjoyed
when you transcend the mere black belt
and become an enlightened master of the dojo


November 27, 2011

Dog Cannibalism Food Dish
bones will rain from the sky
as your dog feeds from the iron carcass of his own kind


November 25, 2011

hootie :: 1

hootie realized his joke about framing a napkin was out of line 
but the demotion to kindling still seemed a bit harsh

November 24, 2011

Reinforced Leather Girdle
tanned in tones of autumn-rust
and fortified with row upon row of shimmering brass rivets
our industrial-strength leather girdle 
is guaranteed to conceal those extra holiday pounds

trimness is no longer a christmas miracle away


November 23, 2011

Bronze Age Key Ring
you will never misplace your keys again
when they are secured by over 2 lbs. of onerous looping bronze

our chunky key ring 
fits up to 200 of your favorite heirloom and contemporary keys


November 22, 2011

in the left corner:
weighing in at 1,500 kilograms
this ruthless seafaring brute
packs a 30-meter piercing tusk of unbridled fury
whimsical?  perhaps
murderous? unequivocally

in the right corner:
double the bunnies
double the savagery
they may romp and scamper
in the company of bright blossoming tulips
but theirs is a dangerous game of misdirection 
and sudden death 

when ferocious predators battle in the ultimate showdown
who will win?

$298 / ringside ticket

November 21, 2011

1950s Cocktail Wetbar
question : what could be more vintage 1950s 
than a floral circle skirt and a sequined cardigan?

answer : a severe drinking problem triggered by an unfulfilling domestic life

fully stocked wetbar contains assortment of spirits,
garnishes, glasses, and martini shakers
and a temporary distraction from your shattered dreams and ambitions


November 19, 2011

Tasseled Pillow Rack
inspired by the carnivals of rio de janeiro 
this jaunty sling will nestle your downy-soft pillows and cushions
with the gentle smoothness of samba

show your cushions you care


November 18, 2011

designed to keep tissue firm and rigid,
our whimsical stoneware cock rings
will delight guests and hosts alike

$20 / set of 4 cock rings

WARNING: do not use cock rings for over 30 minutes at a time

November 17, 2011

one, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock
five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock
nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight

grab your picnic basket and join me, hon
we're going to dolores park at one
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

when the clock strikes two, three and four
if the wine runs out we'll buy some more
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

when the chimes ring five, six and seven
grab espresso and a pastry at a cafe, oh heaven
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

when it's eight, nine, ten, eleven too
I will watch french new wave films with you
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

when the clock strikes twelve, we'll cool off then
do some yoga and achieve some zen
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight