anthro-depressants

do you often feel fatigued and run-down?

have you lost interest in activities and hobbies that you used to enjoy?

do you feel listless or dissatisfied with your life?

is the persisting emptiness sometimes too much to bear?

if you answered yes to any or all of these questions

you - like over 20 million bohemians - may suffer from depression

but we may be able to help

the anthro-depressant card

works to correct your mood imbalance

with 10% instant savings

and five personal sale days per year

it gives you the benefit of itemized, easy-to-read statements that you can pay online

whilst shopping for an open air kimono cardigan 

haberdasher moleskin trousers

and a snow crystal hullabaloo dolly skirt

the anthro-depressant card may not be for everyone

people taking MAOIs or pimozide should not sign up 

for our low interest card

which was developed by angels in heaven 

to solve all of your problems,

save you thousands of dollars per year,

and make you pretty

side effect may include shopaholism, debt

and hating yourself for spending money you don't have

Decorative Throwing Knives

each more deadly than the last

these semi-precious turquoise-handled throwing knives

are made from start to finish by a single, highly skilled craftsman

trained as an knifesmith, jeweler, and assassin

$1200 / set of 6 knives

Plum Karategi with Checkered Belt

only a true grand master of martial arts

with the purest of heart and the freest of spirit

can achieve the coveted checkered belt

you, too, will be overjoyed

when you transcend the mere black belt

and become an enlightened master of the dojo

$138

Dog Cannibalism Food Dish

bones will rain from the sky

as your dog feeds from the iron carcass of his own kind

$98

hootie :: 1

hootie realized his joke about framing a napkin was out of line 

but the demotion to kindling still seemed a bit harsh

Reinforced Leather Girdle

tanned in tones of autumn-rust

and fortified with row upon row of shimmering brass rivets

our industrial-strength leather girdle 

is guaranteed to conceal those extra holiday pounds

trimness is no longer a christmas miracle away

$238

Bronze Age Key Ring

you will never misplace your keys again

when they are secured by over 2 lbs. of onerous looping bronze

our chunky key ring 

fits up to 200 of your favorite heirloom and contemporary keys

$68

Narwhal vs Bunnies

in the left corner:

weighing in at 1,500 kilograms

this ruthless seafaring brute

packs a 30-meter piercing tusk of unbridled fury

whimsical?  perhaps

murderous? unequivocally

in the right corner:

double the bunnies

double the savagery

they may romp and scamper

in the company of bright blossoming tulips

but theirs is a dangerous game of misdirection 

and sudden death 

when ferocious predators battle in the ultimate showdown

who will win?

$298 / ringside ticket

1950s Cocktail Wetbar

question : what could be more vintage 1950s 

than a floral circle skirt and a sequined cardigan?

answer : a severe drinking problem triggered by an unfulfilling domestic life

fully stocked wetbar contains assortment of spirits,

garnishes, glasses, and martini shakers

and a temporary distraction from your shattered dreams and ambitions

$1400

Tasseled Pillow Rack

inspired by the carnivals of rio de janeiro 

this jaunty sling will nestle your downy-soft pillows and cushions

with the gentle smoothness of samba

show your cushions you care

$389

Cock Ring

designed to keep tissue firm and rigid,

our whimsical stoneware cock rings

will delight guests and hosts alike

$20 / set of 4 cock rings

WARNING: do not use cock rings for over 30 minutes at a time

one, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock
five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock
nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight

grab your picnic basket and join me, hon

we're going to dolores park at one
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

when the clock strikes two, three and four
if the wine runs out we'll buy some more
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

when the chimes ring five, six and seven

grab espresso and a pastry at a cafe, oh heaven
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

when it's eight, nine, ten, eleven too
I will watch french new wave films with you
we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

when the clock strikes twelve, we'll cool off then
do some yoga and achieve some zen

we're gonna rock around the clock tonight
we're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight
we're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight

Merchant Nails

named for the merchant you have to be

to spent over $2 per nail

this set of rough 'n tumble iron mini-stakes

comes complete with a signature canvas tote

$28

merchant hammer and merchant tool belt sold separately

Acorn Caddy Palette

not sure what to do with all of your decorative acorns?

why not showcase them in this fete of colorful craters? 

$24

Deer Mating Ritual Blouse

spotted fawns prance and frolic on the hem of this slouchy top

as these twitterpated woodland creatures

prepare for a fruitful season of breeding

$88

Hookah for Sloth

because it's not as though sloths are 

laid back and easy going enough as it is

$398

Dating Abroad Service

looking for that special cultured someone?

with a sexy accent, rich customs, and - if you're lucky - an interesting hat?

look no further than anthroparodie's dating abroad service

for a true love connection

after answering a series of increasingly personal and alienating questions

we develop a character profile for you

then we locate a compatible match from a faraway land,

bribe him with farm equipment

or false promises of dowry

or a tunic

(whatever it takes, really)

and arrange a romantic adventure to meet him in his home country

get ready for your very own

happily ever after

$389 / month

airfare not included

Magic Eye Blouse

relax your gaze

drift into an oblique inner-focus

and this ruched poly-rayon top 

reveals a hidden image within 

$98

Partially Framed Inverted Rose 

at your next dinner soirée 

have your guests asking all sorts of questions 

about this esoteric conversation piece:

what does it say about love?

what does it say about art as a social construct?

why is it next to a huge epiphyte?

does that typewriter work?

how much for the typewriter?

$197

Brutalist Bird Tenement

oppressive and bleak

this unforgiving dwelling unit

shelters birds with a cold embrace

the pruitt-igoe of birdhouses

$400

just blending in with the locals!

Macabre Purse

inspired by gothic cathedrals

and skull-ridden crypts

this shadowy nightmare is constructed of black patent leather

and riddled with twinkling, studded spikes 

- razor sharp and honed to kill -

you will strike fear into the hearts of the many

when they see you brandishing your purse 

like a rusty switchblade covered in dried blood

$218

Drapesy Bodice Petaled Frock

nothing compliments floral print like more floral print

especially when it is vastly different in color, texture, and style

kinda blend in with your wallpaper 

your topsy-turvy dutch oven

or your late aunt's upholstered furnishings

$378

Twisty Tulle Butterfly Net

a puff of textured tulle is finished with a curling pthalo ribbon

in a sweetly askew take on a butterfly net

handle not included

$128

Antler Engraver

inscribe even the roughest, most undulating antler

with words of wisdom, a thoughtful image, or even a lover's name

with this anthroparodie exclusive

$448

Quixotic Rickshaw

on a recent passage to india 

to exploit the country's cheap labour and natural resources 

our team of colonialists flagged down a rickshaw 

so we could scoff at the villagers from a higher ground

we savoured their quaint, peasanty lifestyle 

by tossing out coins 

to see who would desperately scramble over 

and collect them from the filthy, cobbled streets

we guffawed heartily as we curled our moustaches and adjusted our top hats 

and focused our sight-seeing opera glasses inlayed with gold and mother of pearl

so we could get a better view of the village we soon would ravage of its character

we then demanded the barefooted child pedal faster

even though we were in no particular hurry

inspired by the ride

and hallucinations from the antimalarial drugs 

and crazed fever dreams from the foodborne illness we obtained the night before

and raw, unyielding hubris

we decided to design our own deluxe child-powered carriage

with some very special touches

including a hypnotic red spiral tucked within the front wheel

to mystify anyone who dares to stare into its whirling, twirling hub

and handlebar streamers

to lash anyone foolish enough - beggars especially - to get too close to our utopian chariot 

$2200

Heap of Magic Wands

handcrafted by ancient wizard artisans

this magical bevy of wands is made from rare Fraxinus enchanta wood 

and each contain a dragon heartstring core

with the exception of one

which is made with a single lustrous hair from the tail of a black unicorn

- the rarest of all unicorns -

transform your shoe into a pineapple

your unshelled almonds into exotic bird eggs

for magic has no limits

$938 - for 14 wands

Self Portrait

ever the dilettante

colette made a valiant attempt to express her own likeness in pastels

while the vignette failed to capture her visage, physique, skin tone, hair color, and expression

she still displayed it proudly on the mantle

as a testament to her raw creative spirit

not for sale

not for any price