Supermodel Babysitter Service

who could be a more natural fit for child care

than a warm, nurturing supermodel?

their selflessness, playful spirit, and interest in nutrition

lead to an unrivaled mothering instinct

nothing would give our supermodel babysitters greater pleasure

than to play with your child 

forever

and ever

and ever

$158 / hour

Bringing Sexy hunchBack

Sexy Quasimodo Costume

compliment this striking pièce de résistance

with heeled thigh high leather boots

and you'll turn more heads 

than the hunchback himself

ring a ding ding!

$148

Soundproof Tell-Tale Heart Case

silence the beating of his hideous, disemboweled heart

in an antiquely textured, cinnamon-hued leather box

a hand-woven handle, bronze latchery, and plush, moonless velvet lining 

make this the perfect accessory to hide beneath your floorboards

concealing murder has never looked so dapper

$748

Zombie Chic Blush

embrace a gaunter season

with a bloodless porcelain glow

undead is the new alive

$28

happy halloweekend

we welcome you to celebrate halloween with us, our favorite time of year. for anthroparodie, autumn is the season for pumpkin spiced lattes, wicker baskets filled with orchard-fresh apples, and gruesome, horrifying displays of bloodshed, depraved lunatics, the occult, and darkness.

eternal darkness.

Wooden Vampire Stakes

nothing kills a bloodthirsty vamp

like the beautiful natural grain of rough hewn mango wood 

$38 - set of 7

Patterned Plethora Dress

can't decide on a single pattern?

why the hell should you,

when you can exhibit 5 of our favorites at once?

a symphony of stripes and a dappling of dots

form this lightweight, petal-soft polyester frock

$398

Translucent Pink Door

add a dash of whimsy to your home

with a mesmerizing gossamer door

a precious, hand-drawn dead bolt keeps you safe 

within your self-contained wonderland

$458

a disclaimer:

your house may become drafty, as the door is made of pure chiffon

so be sure to wear a woolsome stitchy topper to ward off the blustery wind

Woolsome Stitchy Topper

tackle even the nippiest conditions

with flouncing snow-white tassels that dangle adorably

like the ears of a long-extinct magical creature

$149

Deco Sleep Ray

one part bronzed retro sculpture

one part mad science

meet the perfect slumber-inducing technology

for subduing your enemies, children, enemy children

or yourself, should you have a sleeping disorder

$1289

Rack of Zeus

show zeus who the real god is 

by forcing him to hold your carryalls and overcoats

not so mighty now

eh, zeus?

$28

Garnish of Precariously Stacked Novels

just waiting for you to choose a book from the middle

or accidentally nudge it while turning off your alarm clock

and that's when it happens

that's when they all cascade downward

flooding your room with notions and motifs

and giving you a concussion of literary proportions

$518

Child's Coloring Book Couch

once plain and stark 

with simple, modern lines

and a universal appeal prosaic austerity

my FAVORITE couch this mere canvas

has been ruined by transcended its potential

via the masterful artistic whim 

of our 6-year-old a prodigy

$3988

Leather Aquaboots

appropriate in any terrain

these minnow-stompers are as dark as the ocean floor 

as tough as a crocodile

and they were made for roughing it

just like you

$378

Rube Goldberg Device

through a sequence of unfolding events, each triggered by the last

this anthroparodie exclusive

is able to set fire to a cluster of logs

and then extinguish it a few moments later 

$489

Glossy Chaise Lounge

inspired by the waiting room in your doctor's office

this brilliantly forward sit-art is upholstered in a lustrous, wood-based fiber

playful dada meets stark modernism

in this truly one-of-a-kind and audacious piece of furniture 

ideal for blasé lingering

and pretending to be more comfortable than you are

$1889

Western Saddle Flowerpot 

graciously swathing a sharply sophisticated flora of your choosing

this toffee-toned leather jardinière

shimmers like a burnt penny on a damp autumn morning

$698

Flourishing Bouquet Purse

this sumptuous bag is overstuffed with plover organic cotton 

and then sealed with lavish, onyx-hued thread 

to prevent your valuables from falling out

or entering the purse to begin with

welcome to the latest in purse defense

$98

click for tour

Guided Bus Tour of Giantess' Apartment

fee-fi-fo-fum

i smell the lingering scent of french roast!

$439

Fully Furnished Bohemian Crack Den

curl up and let your problems and worries drift away

into a sea of sapphire rococo walls and plush iridescent bedding

this cozy and secluded retreat is injected with a soothing hash of azure patterns

perfectly tousled to enable your next fix of inspiration 

feed your addiction to opulence

$1738 / month

Bucolic Spider Crusher

constructed of pure, river-washed stone from an appalachian rivulet, 

this invention - ancient, yet ever-effective in its simplicity - allows you to

leisurely macerate arachnids and insects of all varieties 

into a silky pulp

$47

Ferocious Monochromatic Tiger 

trapped in a field

lush with swaths of glimmering, sequined flowers

and a pageant of harlequin tassels

his exact 

worst 

nightmare

$198

Rattan Nuclear Submarine 

wage atomic warfare against any sultry locale

pose existential risk to a civilization of your choosing

 in effortless style 

with a covert - and breezy! - warring sea vessel 

$4,999,999,998

Polychromatic Striped Moss

a striking mélange of vibrant colors, this plush, tufting bryophyta

brings a soupçon of pep to any moistened rock or tree trunk

$198

Jenga-Inspired Wooden Sofa

rustic and woodsy, yet modern in its bold interpretation of gravity,

this plush, comfy sofa is perfect for when you just need to unwind

$4,098

White Elephant Gift

an elephant never forgets

that you filled him with scraps of wood 

and marched him around in a parade of alabaster giraffes

for your own sick amusement  

$78

Fog-Producing Gypsy Headscarf

fill any nook or bohemian cafe with an ethereal, tunisia-inspired mist 

that will give you a cloak of heady mystique and fill men's hearts with desire

$390

9oz. Ethereal Mist Solution

non-toxic

$27

Envy of Daughter's Youth

and a wistful desire to return to the sprightly innocence 

that you, too, once had

and lost

the price of motherhood

Tilted Blushing-Ruby Chandelabra 

includes bronze chain with gilded nautical anchor 

to prevent this treasure from drifting away

$2000

Multifarious Sandal Triad 

shown: 3 left sandals.  also available: 3 right sandals 

$319