hootie :: 1

hootie realized his joke about framing a napkin was out of line 

but the demotion to kindling still seemed a bit harsh

Reinforced Leather Girdle

tanned in tones of autumn-rust

and fortified with row upon row of shimmering brass rivets

our industrial-strength leather girdle 

is guaranteed to conceal those extra holiday pounds

trimness is no longer a christmas miracle away

$238

Bronze Age Key Ring

you will never misplace your keys again

when they are secured by over 2 lbs. of onerous looping bronze

our chunky key ring 

fits up to 200 of your favorite heirloom and contemporary keys

$68

Narwhal vs Bunnies

in the left corner:

weighing in at 1,500 kilograms

this ruthless seafaring brute

packs a 30-meter piercing tusk of unbridled fury

whimsical?  perhaps

murderous? unequivocally

in the right corner:

double the bunnies

double the savagery

they may romp and scamper

in the company of bright blossoming tulips

but theirs is a dangerous game of misdirection 

and sudden death 

when ferocious predators battle in the ultimate showdown

who will win?

$298 / ringside ticket

1950s Cocktail Wetbar

question : what could be more vintage 1950s 

than a floral circle skirt and a sequined cardigan?

answer : a severe drinking problem triggered by an unfulfilling domestic life

fully stocked wetbar contains assortment of spirits,

garnishes, glasses, and martini shakers

and a temporary distraction from your shattered dreams and ambitions

$1400

Tasseled Pillow Rack

inspired by the carnivals of rio de janeiro 

this jaunty sling will nestle your downy-soft pillows and cushions

with the gentle smoothness of samba

show your cushions you care

$389

Cock Ring

designed to keep tissue firm and rigid,

our whimsical stoneware cock rings

will delight guests and hosts alike

$20 / set of 4 cock rings

WARNING: do not use cock rings for over 30 minutes at a time